I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
