Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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