DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
