that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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