hotel room ftw
I want to have your abortion
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
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