I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I just googled if crying burns calories
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
Randomize
