im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
