watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
