i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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