Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
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