Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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