just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I am one with the molecules
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
