Ambien. No doubt about it.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
