i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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