May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
