whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
