Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
