the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
