whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Randomize
