it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
