Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
