You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
