Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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