i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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