I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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