How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
