Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
