in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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