now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
