im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Randomize
