I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Randomize
