How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
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