I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Randomize
