I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
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