I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize