I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
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