He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
