A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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