The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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