Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
