I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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