I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
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Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
you never un-have a 4some
I have tasted many bathrooms
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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