I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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