whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Randomize
