I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
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