my mouth tastes like poor choices
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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