I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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