I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
