Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
