Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
