Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
