He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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