When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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