I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
