Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Mom said you looked used
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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