theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Randomize
