Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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