You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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