I accidentally burped into my bong.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
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