He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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